The Unexpected

“One of the wonderful things about living in the realm of uncertainty is that you find the journey with God is full of surprises.” Erwin McManus , Chasing daylight

“Many times when we claim we are waiting on God, He is waiting on us.” Erwin McManus , Chasing daylight

“You can talk all day about what God has promised to do through his people, but you will never live in those promises until you act on them.” Erwin McManus , Chasing daylight

Sawubona!

The past several days have not gone completely as expected (when does it ever? Haha), but that is what makes an adventure. It is full of surprises, and as I have said before, who doesn’t like surprises?

Thursday I was at Eastboom clinic again, but I worked in the pediatrics section of the clinic this time. I have worked with many amazing nurses here in South Africa; However, there are also many nurses here who treat patients differently than I believe people should treat people. They have developed a reputation of nurses in South Africa as being…well…mean. I worked with a pediatric nurse on Thursday in a sort of family practice setting, who was not just intimidating but very harsh, rough, and cruel. She used words in a way that made mothers feel inferior, embarrassed, ashamed, worthless, and ultimately that they were failures as mothers. I have been debating for the last several days as to whether I wanted to write about this. It is difficult for me to write these things because I do not feel that it is right to speak badly of others, but at the same time this was the truth of the situation. Although she yelled at the children also, it was for the mothers that my heart was broken. I was desperately wishing I knew Zulu so that I could speak with them. I wanted so badly to take each one of them out to tea and listen to them; hear their struggles; educate them, encourage them; show them love. All I could do was send them a comforting smile, but I wanted to do so much more.

Friday, I came down with the stomach flu. I missed some fun AE activities including volleyball games, a Braii, movie night, smores, and the Saturday hike through the Drakensburg Mountains to see 5000-year-old Bushmen cave paintings. I must admit that I was a little disappointed at first about not going to the Drakensburg Mountains; it was a trip that I was looking forward to for the past 6 months. However, the reality is that things do not always go as we expect or plan. Reg, the director of our program, asked the first day if we are here for our kingdom or for God’s kingdom. If I was here for my kingdom then I think the response would be for me to have a pity party and waste hours complaining that I missed out, but that is not why I am here. I don’t deserve anything. Its not about me. Its not about the fun expeditions. Instead, Saturday I found myself relaxing and recovering thanking God for who He is and also for all the ways He has blessed me here and has been working in my life, in those around me, and in this country. Saturday was a beautiful day. I got to have a day of solitude in the most magnificent weather. It was like the whole campus was engulfed in a magical mist. The jungle looked so mysterious and mystical. It was breath taking. It was a gift.

Tuesday was a clinical day. I was supposed to be at Mason’s clinic (where I will be working for the next couple weeks); however, some last minute change of plans brought me back to the family center at Ethembeni for one day to assist with vision screenings. Once again, not something I expected, but it was so good. Last time I was there, I realized as I was leaving that one of the young volunteers/older children of the center was disappointed that we nursing students spent all our time with the little kids and did not talk with her much. Today we were done with eye checks rather early, which left us with several hours of time playing with the kids. These kids are possibly the most precious children ever. Seriously I wish I could be a professional “cuddle-er” - I could spend the rest of my life just sitting with them in my lap. Playing with children, showing them love and giving them attention should be a profession. I guess that is what parenthood is intended to be- how exciting!

At one point I literally ripped myself from a few children’s grips to go to the restroom and on the way I saw the volunteer from a couple weeks ago sitting at a table. I came over and I don’t remember what I asked, but right away she poured out her heart to me. She told me about how the woman who offered to pay her way through college just changed her mind recently. She is now in this confused state of not knowing what she will do with her life, and unsure of what God’s will for her is. She doubted her worth as a person, God’s love for her, and the truth of His promises. She started believing that maybe God was punishing her for some reason, or that she was not worth having her dreams fulfilled because she is as she stated “a poor girl in a township” and she doubted that God’s will for her future would be something that she would enjoy. I talked with her for a bit, prayed for her, and walked her through some scripture. It was a wonderful time. It became clear to me that we often do not take the Bible seriously and truly believe and trust what it says, and also that we tend to mentally add phrases to God’s promises so that we limit them believing that they don’t actually apply to us. It is very easy for us to say we believe something or even convince ourselves that we believe something, but does our life really reflect that?

I recently have gone through this in my own life. My whole life, and especially these past few years has been a process of me going from loving Christ to falling IN Love with Him, and going from knowing He loves me to believing He loves me. These past several years I have been through highs and lows and plateaus, but through all of it my faith in God has been strengthened and intimacy with Him deepened. I do not believe faith or our relationships with Christ is about having a “feeling” or having “supernatural” experiences; However, I have had a couple experiences over the past couple months in which God has met with me and completely overwhelmed me with His love to a point that the little doubt in me that I did not really consciously know was even there was completely wiped away and my life will never be the same.

Before all this I truly believed that I believed the depths of God’s love for me and the truth of His Word; However, my life did not necessarily always reflect this. I would still get anxious about the future, and I doubted my abilities in serving Him and the promises He makes to us about the authority we have in Him, and I often found myself subconsciously trying to not disappoint Him or upset Him as if He would love me less for it. Before all of this I had read through the whole Bible, and I thought I believed it and loved it and it truthfully did change my life and guide me, but now when I read... something is different. I can’t stop reading. I don’t want to put the Bible down, because it is impacting me in a way it never has before, because now I truly believe the words it says, like seriously believe. I know God’s love for me, like to the depths of my being I know His love for me, whether I "feel" it all the time or not, I know and believe He loves me in a way that doesn't compare to any other love. A love that truly wipes away all fear. A love that redeems, A love that transforms. A love without any conditions. A sacrificing love. A love so deep that it is overwhelming beyond what words can describe. A love that is free and freeing. A love that fills one with endless Joy. A love that delivers us; that resurrects us from being the living dead going through the superficial motions of life, to having life to the fullest. A love that ends striving and a love that brings peace. A love so magnificent you can’t bare to keep it to yourself but your heart breaks wanting all people to have the privilege of knowing and experiencing this incredible love.

I trust in His promises and am filled with excitement and gratefulness. I also am shaken by the fact that I also now take seriously the commands He has given, more seriously than before when I thought I was taking it seriously but not always living it out- and am now in a process of figuring out how to live this out (however before, the "figuring it out" was accompanied by stress, and now it is accompanied by peace. For I am confident in His promise to teach me and excited to learn). I believe that I am One with Him and have power and authority to do as He did and more. More importantly I believe that that is true RIGHT NOW. I have definitely listened to Satan and believed that I’m not ready-that I need to become more this or that first, and less of this or that, or that I have to be some super "spiritual" person first, and that I need more preparation. These are all lies from the Devil. Yes, we are not perfect and we can always grow in our relationship with Christ, and in that the Holy Spirit will continue to develop fruit in us (please catch carefully that I said the Holy Spirit will do this action-it is not out of us just striving to be a better person, but out of us surrendering to Christ). Although there may always be room for improvement, God delights in us now! God loves us now just the way we are! You are Beautiful; You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are a Heir of the King and a co-conqueror with Christ. He can use you now just the way you are, and you are perfect for the calling he has on your life…Perfect. He has great plans for your future, but He also has great plans for you right now, as in today, as in this hour; He is in You and willing to use You. It is our unbelief that is getting in the way. Our self-doubt, which in essence is also doubt in God. It is not God withholding. Believe Him when He says he wants to do these things in Your life. The overflowing fullness of His Grace is beyond what our mind can begin to conceive, and all we have to do is ask and we will receive. HOW GLORIOUS!!!